Queen Margaret Gulls

Match Etiquette for opposing teams/fans

2004-04-09T04:02:00.000+01:00

Below are guidelines for players of opposing teams and fans of both said team and the QM Gulls.

1. At no point must you invade the pitch.
Especially if you are good at football, we do not support humiliating the players any further than their own skills. Or if you are wearing a red top - whilst the QM Gulls fully know their own teammates, they are easily confused, even if you do have breasts and/or run like a girl - see: Calum McDonald and Martin Alison (he is aptly named).

2. Litter must not be dropped during the match.
Apart from the tension it creates between the QM Gulls and the local council, it can be off-putting for any Gull member, as he may feel the urge to try and extract food from it. Or worse, carry it around hanging from his mouth.

3. No live seagulls must be brought to the match.
While we are still searching for a mascot (the "Birds at 5D" being put forward as a candidate), we will not be persuaded to choose the common Seagull due to legal rights, so advocating it's choice by bringing it to the matches causes undue stress to both the said Seagull, spectators and animal lovers (Mr Stewart Duthie in particular seems to get very hot under the collar when an animal is in distress - "The smile is like a tic, I can't help it. Honest.").

4. No dead seagulls must be brought to the match.
Freshly deceased, rotting or cooked, although all other dishes will be welcomed. See also section 3.

5. Elderly spectators must employ ear plugs.
This is for two reasons - (a) we don't wish to burden them with the abusive language that has become commonplace in today's football, and (b) we don't want them to become embarrassed when they hear us complain about the smell.

6. Rules for dogs and Goths.
Dogs must wear a lease. Dogs can run on the pitch and disrupt play, which is not conducive to a good game of football. Also, if any dog is wearing too much make-up she runs the risk of being banned for the whole season. Note: a dog collar alone is not sufficient.

Goths must be accompanied by a respectable member of the public. They will be searched for rope, poetry books, black make-up, knives, tablets, vials of blood, broken glass and any other sharp instruments. Any Goth who utters anything about death, or anything morbid, will be ejected from the park. Do us all a favour and (Edited out for legal reasons). Note: if you were a dog collar, you must wear a leash.

7. No Neds.
Under any circumstances. The QM Gulls fully recognize the fact you are a member of the male genitalia, and fittingly, you will be ejaculated from the premises on sight.

8. Championing causes.
Anyone who is found to have said "Caw" or any variation of the noise/bird noises in general while watching, or playing, in a Gulls match will be asked to leave the premises. The Queen Margaret Gulls Football Club is full in it's support for Equal Rights for women, but anyone making bird noises and/or championing feminism will not be tolerated.
Anyone collecting for charity, or trying to champion a cause other than that of the Gulls (opposing team permitted) will quickly be shown the exit. We will pass the money you raised on to your charity, really.

Please try and stick to these rules, they have been made with you in mind. Wearing a thong. Dancing around a tree.

The Fan(nie?)s

2004-04-09T02:21:00.000+01:00

Queen Margaret Gulls has it's own set of fans/cheerleaders, a set of women that they would wish on no other club. Second names have been excluded as (most of) the women wish to remain anonymous, for reasons you will soon realise. They met when they all moved into the same flat and they remain firm friends. It can only be a matter of time.

Joy "Roy", once training is over, Sam Manchester loves nothing better than jumping Joy. I mean, jumping for joy, as it means he can go and spend some time with his girlfriend, Joy.
Interesting fact: thespian. Not veeeeeeeeeeeeeeery interesting was it. Oh well, how fitting.

Amy "Idle Bint", she got her current nickname from her boyfriend, so fear not in shouting it out when you see her. Loudly.
Interesting fact: if she ever uses "wee" or lovely" in a sentence be assured she's patronising you.

Fiona "Jungle", nicknamed Jungle for reasons that cannot be spoken (think: pygmies), Fiona is torn between the Gulls and Dundee United, or the Arabs as they are nicknamed. She loves the immigrants.
Interesting fact: was quite prepared to supply her second name. And probably her mobile phone numbers. Yes, both of them.

Lyndsey "Randy", is going through a troubled period as her glans are ginormous, but we're confident she'll recover - Lyndsey has never had a problem dealing with throbbing glans before.
Interesting fact: denies she has been to Switzerland despite photographic evidence.

Jenny "Laundrette", Jenny is the Gulls' favourite fan, as she cleans all their tops, rather akin to how a cat would. Nonetheless, they return in perfect condition (and cat hair free).
Interesting fact: Erm, well... Yes... Uh, hmmm, perhaps... No.

The Starting Line Up. Perhaps.

2004-04-06T17:24:00.000+01:00

Below is the likely formation and starting XI the Gulls will use. Expect long balls and many attempts at skill. While the wingers aren't the fastest, they remain adamant they can still beat the gypsies to the tip. Opposing teams are warned to keep an eye out for the Gull huddle and the flying V.

Albert (Striker)

Grizzer (Flamboyant Attacking Mid)

Shug (Left Mid) Kid (Defensive Mid) Andy (Creative Mid) Stu (Right Mid)

Fish (Left back) Sam (Centreback) Neil (Centreback) Rick (Right back)

| Dangerous |
|__(Goalie)__|

Subs: MJ (Left of Bench), Martin (Right of Bench)

Notice the excellent graphical representations.

We welcome you to the Queen Margaret Gulls Football Club Website!

2004-04-06T16:21:00.001+01:00

Blando addeceo Nihildum, Ample addeceo Omne

Winning is Nothing, Style is Everything

This site will feature many exciting facts about the Gulls, and will hopefully be kept as up-to-date as possible. Many things have been said about us, but you cannot fault our time keeping. But first a little history.

In 1804 Napolean Bonaparte was crowned Emperor of France, almost a year and a half after France and Britain went to war.
In 1939 the Second World War started, a massive, some would say world wide, battle between Germany, Japan and Italy (the Axis) versus Britain, France (kind of), Australia, America and a few others that also didn't contribute much.
In New York on the ninth day of the eleven month of 2001 it wasn't a bird in the sky, nor superman, it was two planes which caused America's war on terrorism, or the fight for Bush's second tenancy.

Now the history is out of the way, back to the Gulls. Founded in early 2004, several plucky young chaps played football on a red ash pitch. They would never know how significant this was. Soon more boys followed, and soon there were 12, young, able, semi-intelligent people who liked to be thought of as footballers.

These gentlemen are:

Calum "Grizzer" McDonald, a fiery but casual player, akin to Celtic's Neil Lennon. Quick with his feet, those who arouse his anger best watch out for the Death Lunge (TM), a brutal move that can finish a player's career if executed properly. Hailing from Shetland, he is a diehard Celtic fan, and can often be seen at Celtic Park.

Stewart "S2" Duthie, although he may appear nonchalant at times, everyone knows his heart is in the right place: just behind the rib cage. Opposing defenders are warned to watch out for when he dons the headband, a sure sign he means business. With more bling than Pat Butcher, he has some of the best neck muscles in the business. You should see the smile on his girlfriend's face.

Douglas "Shug" MacArthur, only recently joined the Gulls, Shug looks like he could be useful. The boots do get very dirty after the games on the red ash. Studying law, it could prove useful for when the Gulls try and terminate Ian's contract.

Andy "Lodger" Brown, more tricks than Paul Daniels, sometimes people think the ball is tied to his feet. But it is actually just stuck there with tape "used to keep his trainers intact". Yeah right. He's from Dundee. A laptop, an Xbox, and several playstation controllers have subsequently gone missing.

Alistair "Kid" Thomson, a supporter of Dundee, he has never aspired to play like his heroes, much to the relief of the rest of the Gulls players. (Allegedly) the only other left footer on the team. Does rowing in his spare time, and the gym almost every other day. All of which include men. Lot's of men. In close quarters. I don't need to spell it out do I?

Chris "Neil/Nelson" Mundell, almost as tall as a bungalow, he strikes fear into absolutely no-one. Manages to confuse opposition however, as they don't really know what his name is, resulting in several players marking him ("OK lads, you get Chris, you mark Neil, you get Sam, you: Stewart, and you get Nelson"), leaving the more, extremely more valuable players unmarked. Some people think he might be better at swimming: he does appear to have two medium sized boats in place of feet.

Sam "Tickler" Manchester, a rubgy player at heart, his favourite excuse when skying a shot over the bar: "Oh yeah, it's football we're playing isn't it?" Yes Sam, so stop tickling my balls now thankyou. Sam has the stamina for the game, and a sweet left foot (we hear).

Ian "Fish" Fitzsimmons, despite being injury prone, Fish knows Michael Ball, so he must be good. He will soon be pictured modelling the new kit. He is as gormless as he looks, it's not some photoshop magic. We even touched it up.

Rick "Massive", the disputed Captain of the team, due to having the biggest testes (and a massive "schlong"), Rick waves away a second naming, saying "You shall know me by my massiveness". A former private school boy, Rick has his own shower room after the game.

David "Dangerous" Taylor, "Dangerous" being the operative word, in Ancient Greece it was said just his stare was enough to make a man feel death. Nowadays, his stare has got him feeling Lyndsey. He is the goalkeeper of the team, and loves nothing better than a fag at half time. He's never come over a little queer.

Ryan "MJ" Beverage, MJ has also been mistaken for two footed, being quite adept with his left foot. With both his left feet. Nicknamed MJ after Michael Jackson, he can't dance nor sing. Nor has he had plastic surgery. Hmm, what does that leave?

Martin "Huberto" Alison, one of the few foreigners in the Gulls, he lives in constant worry he will be repatriated by the Government. If this happens however, good friend (and an Aberdonian more to the point) S2, says his will accompany him back to New Zealand. Where there are more sheep than humans. Hmmm.

Albert "Albertini" Kwami, two footed Albert has a mighty shot on him, learned during the first Gulf War. He can also kick the ball pretty well, and is the Gulls' main goal scoring threat. A chess master, he should have a keen tactical mind. Should, being the operative word. Ooh, shouldn't mention operative around Albert, you nev.. hey, who are you? Why have you got guns? What the...